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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25942558">Can't Go Home</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/jedirangerpenguin/pseuds/jedirangerpenguin'>jedirangerpenguin</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Mass Effect Trilogy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Father-Daughter Relationship, Gen, Mass Effect 2, Spacer (Mass Effect)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 06:34:22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,752</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25942558</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/jedirangerpenguin/pseuds/jedirangerpenguin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Shepard finally realizes how deep the consequences of Project Lazarus run.</p>
<p>~~~</p>
<p>"I know you. You can get through this. You can finish it.”</p>
<p>“It won’t matter though, will it?”</p>
<p>“What?”</p>
<p>“When this is over. I could turn right around and blow Cerberus into the sky once I’m done, but...” </p>
<p>Tears blurred her view of the carpet and her throat constricted. She didn’t want to say it. She didn’t want to admit it. She didn’t want it to be real. But it was. “The Alliance won’t take me back, will they?”</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>25</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Can't Go Home</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Shepard walked out of Anderson’s office. Their discussion, and Ashley’s words on Horizon, still blared in her head. She’d been pretending that the Alliance’s brick wall was being maintained by a few stuffy admirals eager to finally put her in her place. It had been easy enough to believe it, when Anderson had been her only point of Alliance contact. But Horizon had changed that. After everything they’d been through, everything they’d seen, if Ash didn’t trust her...</p>
<p>Shepard had been wandering aimlessly around the Presidium for the better part of an hour, half a step ahead of her thoughts, when her omni pinged. She glanced down and frowned. A NavPoint, from Anderson, with no further information.</p>
<p>She immediately turned around and started making her way to the coordinates. A rapid transit ride landed her up on the Silversun Strip. She hurried past, doing her best to dodge glances as she made her way to the line of fancy-looking apartments the NavPoint was leading her to.</p>
<p>She came to a stop in front of the indicated door and stared. After a couple seconds her omni pinged again, this time with what was probably an access code.</p>
<p>Shepard put one hand on her gun as she carefully typed in the code with the other. She’d jumped to task without thinking, but why would Anderson just send her a NavPoint? He could have been hacked, and someone else was setting her up for a trap. It could be Cerberus or anyone else forging the send address. Or, it <em> was </em> Anderson, and there could some kind of problem here. Wherever “here” was. </p>
<p>The door slid open. A quick scan of the interior showed no signs of danger, from what she could see. She slowly crossed the threshold, and a voice rang out to her left.</p>
<p>“Hello?”</p>
<p>She froze. The tinny quality told her it was coming from a speaker, but it was a voice she’d recognize anywhere. Her guard crashed down as quickly as it had come up and she raced over to the large screen on the wall.</p>
<p>“Dad?” </p>
<p>“Tia.”</p>
<p>There he was, right in front of her. His hair was grayer--a <em> lot </em>grayer than she would have expected over just two years--but his eyes still held the same fire. He was still in his uniform, and was standing in what looked like standard captain’s quarters. Her father had never been one to wear buttons longer than he had to; Shepard wondered if he was technically on duty. </p>
<p>Relief, confusion, and concern all crossed over his face, and the sudden rush of everything Shepard had lost hit her in the gut. Two years. Her family had grieved for her for <em>two goddamn years,</em> and she’d been too busy being pulled from the grave and thrown about as Cerberus’s puppet to stop long enough to try to contact them. But more than that... the quarters her father was standing in were familiar. The uniform he was wearing was familiar. Alliance standard was plastered all over the screen in front of her, and although she’d been fighting every second since she woke up to get back to it, Shepard hadn’t realized <em> just </em> how badly she’d missed it until it was right there. </p>
<p>There were so many other things she should be saying to her dad first--something like <em>“I love you”</em> or “<em>I</em><em> promise it’s really me</em>”--but one thought rang out loudest, despite her desperate wish to pretend it wasn’t true. “How- you shouldn’t be calling me,” she said. “I know Alliance has me blacklisted. If they find out-”</p>
<p>“What?” her dad cut in. “That I called Anderson?”</p>
<p>Anderson. The apartment. Of <em> course </em> this was Anderson’s apartment. “That son of a bitch,” she muttered, almost smiling as she realized what he’d done.</p>
<p>“Besides, you think for one second that the brass is going to be able to keep me from talking to <em> my daughter</em>? I tried reaching your ship, but-”</p>
<p>“No way Mr. Tim would have let <em> that </em> through.”</p>
<p>Silence fell, and Shepard realized how much of her bitterness her voice had betrayed. She saw her father’s expression shift as he shoved down the things he wanted to say. Probably things like <em>“You’re alive,”</em> or <em>“I missed you.”</em> Normal things a parent would say when they saw their kid come back from the grave. </p>
<p>“Are you okay?” he asked instead.</p>
<p>Shepard felt her heart freeze. He’d never, <em> ever </em> , asked her a question like that. Even when she’d been crying as a kid, it was “<em>What’s wrong? </em> ” or “<em>What do you need? </em>” Small, discrete, action-oriented questions that could be quickly resolved. His question now went deeper, and the knowledge of what the honest answer was killed her.</p>
<p>“No.”</p>
<p>He watched her for a minute. “Want to fill me in?” he asked gently.</p>
<p>She told the story as best she could. She skipped Alchera; he’d probably read every report a dozen times over the past two years. He probably knew what happened better than she did. But Cerberus, Project Lazarus, the Collectors, those needed explaining. So she tried. The way Cerberus had stolen her body, forced her back to life. Being cut off from the people she loved and watching her only way out turn its back. For half an hour her father simply watched and listened, steady, comforting, strong. </p>
<p>God, she wished she could hug him.</p>
<p>“So...”</p>
<p>The final thread holding her head up snapped. “I <em> hate </em> Cerberus,” she said, barely managing not to scream. Her father nodded.</p>
<p>“I remember you telling me you were going to kill them, back when you were on the Normandy.’</p>
<p>“I still want to. God, every time I see that clicky-eyed motherfucker’s face, I want to punch him into the sand and let the waves drown him. If I could blow them all up and run away now, I would. But, dad, what they’re doing now-it <em> has </em> to be done. And if the Alliance would do it, I’d do it with them, but they <em> won't.” </em></p>
<p>Her father waited until she took a breath. “I’m sorry.”</p>
<p>Shepard let out a laugh and tried not to let it turn into tears. “You sound like Anderson.”</p>
<p>“Tia.” Her father didn’t continue until she’d dragged her face up to look at him. “None of this is right, but <em> you’re </em> right. Even if we could convince the brass, they’d never get their act together in time to deal with the Collectors. I know you. You can get through this. You can finish it.”</p>
<p>“It won’t matter though, will it?”</p>
<p>“What?”</p>
<p>Lead settled in her chest, drawing her chin back down like a magnet. “When this is over. I could turn right around and blow Cerberus into the sky once I’m done, but...” </p>
<p>Tears blurred her view of the carpet and her throat constricted. She <em> didn’t </em>want to say it. She didn’t want to admit it. She didn’t want it to be real. But it was. “The Alliance won’t take me back, will they?”</p>
<p>The brief moment of silence on her father’s end was all the confirmation she needed. </p>
<p>“When have you ever let the brass tell you what you can and can’t do?” her dad said, trying to rally. “When you yell, you <em> make </em> people listen.” </p>
<p>Shepard didn’t reply. She knew his words were hollow, and she could tell he knew she knew. "But,” he continued after a moment, “if they won’t bring you back, you can bet your ass I’m following you.”</p>
<p>Shepard’s head snapped back up. “No,” she said immediately.</p>
<p>“Tia-”</p>
<p>“<em>No</em>. Dad. Listen.” She paused just long enough to roughly wipe the tears on her cheeks away. “You <em> have </em> to stay in. The Reapers are coming, and I can’t do a damn thing against them without the Alliance. You, Anderson, you guys <em> have </em> to stay. You have to make sure it gets done.”</p>
<p>“There’s other ways to do that.”</p>
<p>“No there aren’t. What the hell are you and I gonna do on our own against a race of giant, genocidal machines?” It was her father’s turn to fall into silence. “The Alliance does <em> so much good </em> when the right people are steering it,” Shepard continued, when it became clear her father didn’t have a response. “If I’m getting cut out? If I’m going to lose everything?” Her voice wavered and she paused, determined to get it back under control. “I need to know you’re still there. I can’t have you losing everything too.”</p>
<p>He watched her for a moment. “You know you’re-”</p>
<p>“If you say ‘everything,’ I’m gonna come through the screen and hit you, because that’s not true.”</p>
<p>Her dad gave a small smile. “You don’t believe I’d let the galaxy burn for you?”</p>
<p>“No, because you wouldn’t.” In spite of everything, Shepard felt a smile cross her face. “Sure, you love us, but your first love was always keeping the galaxy safe. Where do you think <em> I </em> got it?”</p>
<p>“Sometimes I worry that left you idolizing the Alliance too much.”</p>
<p>Shepard held up a hand. She didn’t have the time, or the emotional strength, to pursue that line. Not now. “Issue for another time. Just promise me you’ll stay. No matter what.”</p>
<p>“Alright.”</p>
<p>With the air cleared on Cerberus, and the can opened on the Alliance, the sight of her dad’s gentle face made her realize how much she missed her <em> family</em>. It had been easier to be happy and distracted between visits when she was deployed with the Alliance. There was nothing to look forward to now, after the screen in front of her went dark.</p>
<p>“I miss you,” Tia said, finally. Her voice shook again, but she found she didn’t care about fixing it.</p>
<p>“I missed you too, little monster.” Her dad’s voice shook worse than hers. “You have no idea.”</p>
<p>“Tell Liam hi for me?” She hesitated before adding, “And mom.”</p>
<p>“I will,” her dad said gently.</p>
<p>“Tell them I love them.”</p>
<p>“I will.”</p>
<p>“I love you.”</p>
<p>He smiled. “Love you too, monster. Go take down these Collectors, then come <em> home. </em> Okay?”</p>
<p>Shepard’s eyes burned. “That sounds good.”</p>
<p>Her dad smiled and gave a salute. “Until then, Commander.”</p>
<p>The tears swam up again. Not even Anderson had addressed her by rank. She returned the salute, trying and failing not to dwell on the fact that it could be the last exchange she was ever a part of. “Captain.”</p>
<p>He gave her one last smile and nod, and the screen went blank. Shepard made it three seconds before dropping onto her knees.</p>
<p>She’d never be home.</p>
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